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 If you are the father of an aborted baby, I am
sorry for your loss. I realize that the society as a
whole has told you that you have no right to grieve or
struggle with the abortion decision. However, I know from
hearing the stories of many fathers, that some men hurt a
great deal after the abortion. They pinpoint that event
as a turning point that marked the beginning of the end
of the relationship. Whatever your story, we care about
you. Please do not hesitate to call us if we can help
you. We understand your pain and your loss. You don't
need to struggle in isolation. We can connect you to
other fathers who have experienced what you did and can
offer support on your healing journey. Men are
hidden partners in every abortion decision. Their role or
lack of role in the decision can create a stream of
consequences that may accompany the man through the rest
of his life. Because men are told they have no say in the
abortion decision--that it is about a woman and her
choice--they later struggle with the questions they pose
to themselves and the emotions they feel. Men often say
"I don't feel entitled to my grief. It was her
choice. Why do I feel so badly?"
As the
"men's" movement continues to grow through
workshops and outreach programs such as Promise Keepers,
St. Joseph's Covenant Keepers, and the numerous other
men's self-actualization movements, men grapple more and
more with their feelings.
The role
of men in abortion is a complex one to describe. The
following are scenarios men have shared:
- I
knew she was pregnant and I tried to stop her. I
may even have gone to court for a restraining
order.
- I
knew she was pregnant. I didn't agree with the
abortion decision but I went along with it since
it was her body.
- I
knew she was pregnant and I supported her
decision completely.
- I
knew she was pregnant and I forced her to have
the abortion. She didn't really want to have it.
- I
didn't find out that she had been pregnant and
had had an abortion until it was over.
Men
describe the following reactions to an abortion loss:
- Rage
- A
sense of impotence
- Chemical
abuse (alcohol, drugs, etc.)
- Grief
over the loss of fatherhood
- Increased
risk-taking behavior
- Nightmares
- Suicidal
thoughts
- Battering
of the partner who had the abortion or a
subsequent partner
- Becoming
an overly nurturant father who is hyper vigilant
with regards to the well-being of his other
children
- Deep
desire to replace the lost child through having
another child.
- Becoming
involved in the pro-life movement
For Father's
Reflections, please click here
Resources
for men:
- Project Rachel ,
the Catholic Church's outreach is available to
help fathers deal with their grief. To find the
Project Rachel nearest you, call 1-800-5WE-CARE
or go to the Project Rachel page to find help
near you.
- The book Men and Abortion:
A Path to Hope by C.T. Coyle is
available from LIFE CYCLE Books (Phone:
1-800-214-5849 or orders@lifecyclebooks.com). The book provides a forgiveness model
for healing the abortion wound. It has a
Christian perspective but is non-denominational.
- The book Fatherhood
Aborted, by Guy Condon and David Hazard,
published by Tyndale House Publishers and
available from www.Amazon.com This Biblically based book offers
profound insights into the wounds of fathers and
spiritual healing.
- The booklet Grief Therapy
for Men by Linus Mundy and published by
Abbey Press (1-800-325-2511) does not deal with
abortion specifically but it does provide
suggestions on how to deal with grief as a man.
- Father's and Brother's
Ministries
350 Broadway, Suite 40
Boulder, CO 80303
Phone: 1-303-494-3282
- National Memorial for the
Unborn
6232 Vance Road
Chattanooga, TN 37421
Phone: 1-423-892-0803
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